Decisions

I think, I’m going to do it.
No. I AM.

And I feel peaceful and joyful about it.

I’m going to live with this for another week before I tell them, but only because this is the kind of thing that is very “no backsies,” right?

It’s felt like a bigger decision than deciding to have my own children. Maybe because it’s more precise? Or because there are more people involved? Or because everything?

I’m still going to talk with a friend-of-a-friend who has been a surrogate and with my midwife, but not because it would change my decision. Just because I will feel only better with more information.

Also remaining, telling my two besties, one of whom has been out of town for three weeks and has no idea what’s going on, and the other is the one who saw me completely undone and sobbing about this the day after the phone call from Natalie. I’m not sure what either of them will say, although I’m sure the second one will be shocked.

The truth is, *I* am shocked. Ten days ago, I could have imagined saying yes, but under some uncertainty and duress, maybe out of guilt or to keep peace. And now, I’m … kind of excited about the idea, actually. I feel really great about it. This has been the most unreal week. I feel like something inside of my heart was turned inside out, and yet I also feel more myself. More the person I truly am, under all the layers of junk that accumulates through life.

I am ready for this.